Beach Hysteria!
by Mistress Zelda
Summary: An Organization XIII oneshot. Roxas drags everyone to the beach. Complete with Roxas as the narrator, surfer dude Xigbar, and Xaldin in a Speedo! Read warning first!


**Warning! This story may contain MAJOR CEO (Character Exaggeration Overload) If you cannot handle the over exaggeration of character's personality, DO NOT read this story.**

"WHAT?" A chorus of voices exclaimed.

"You heard what I said," I replied. "Let's go to the beach!"

It was silent.

"Roxas!" Xigbar cried. "You're like, so totally gnarly! I haven't been to the beach in like…um…" he began to count on his fingers. "…uh…in a long time!"

Vexen sighed. "You really are fascinating, Xigbar…"

"I won't tolerate this," Xemnas grumbled.

"Why not?" Xigbar and I screamed.

"Because," Xemnas responded. "I don't want to go to some dirty, sandy, inferno where I will most likely be fondled by some 76 year old woman named Frank."

"Oh come on, Superior!" I pestered. "Your Heartless is tanner you are!"

Xemnas glared at me. Which was kinda hard to tell because no matter what Xemnas did he always looked like he was about to cry.

Xaldin smirked. "There are women…in their very skimpy swimsuits. Heh….heheheh. The women. THE WOMEN."

All of us groaned. Especially Larxene, who has a grudge against Xaldin. She stood up and slapped him.

Xaldin sighed. "Larxene, just because of the Scare of Saturday Night…"

"I thought we agreed to never speak of that again," Xemnas said.

Zexion, who was actually just a little older than me, blinked. "What was the big deal on that?"

"Uh…" all of us stuttered. "Um…let's not go there."

"Why not?" the young member protested.

"Er…" Xemnas started. "It's a little…"

"I'll tell you, Zexion!" Xaldin piped up.

Vexen whacked him on the back of the head. "Let's get back to the topic on hand. Roxas, why on earth do want to take us to the beach?"

"Because it's fun!" I answered cheerfully. "And besides, you all are lazy! Most of you stay confined to your rooms half the time."

"Hey!" Marluxia yelled. "I'm in my garden…"

"I'm watching Belle get dressed every morning and evening," Xaldin said. Most of us threw stuff at him when he said this.

"I-

"Whatever!" I interjected. "The point is, we're all going."

"Roxas," Saïx almost whispered. "You are the lowest in command. You can't tell us to do anything."

I grinned evilly. "Oh really?" I held up an envelop. "Now, what would your opinion be if I showed all of our enemies that certain embarrassing photo of you all at last year's Christmas Party?"

It was silent.

Xemnas gulped. "Uh. F-Fine. We'll leave tomorrow."

I rubbed my hands together. Blackmailing rules. Ha! I see a morale here!

**The Next Day**

Everyone had to wake up kinda early for this. And when I say early, I mean 8:30. I sleep until 12. I was already up though, bouncing up and down.  
As was Xigbar.

I watched everyone walk out with all of their gear and outfits.

Oh, this was a scene.

Xemnas was in his normal attire, but, it looked like he bathed in sunscreen. With him, he had his laptop and a bunch of books.

Xigbar was carrying his beloved surfboard and was…strangely in his normal attire. This puzzled me.

"Xigbar…?" I asked.

Xigbar grinned. "Once we get to the beach, you'll be able to see me in my fleshly glory. Oh yeah, I'll get all of the babes."

I shuddered and decided to look at everyone else.

Xaldin…ew…ladies, please close your eyes, for Xaldin was in a Speedo.

I screamed. "XALDIN! PUT YOUR CLOAK ON!"

Xaldin posed. "Aren't I just so beautiful? The women will be bowing to me! Right, Larxene?"

Larxene, who was in a one-piece swimsuit, glared. "Xaldin…touch me, and you will feel 2000 jolts of PAIN."

Xaldin snickered. "I love you too…"

Larxene started attacking him.

Vexen came out, dressed still in his cloak, and whacked both of them on the head. "Stop it, both of you." Vexen began to apply sunscreen. "Now, the ultraviolet intensity of the sun's rays is severe. Now if you divide the intensity by the…" Vexen began going off into this big…science equation thingy on how to determine the right SPF to wear today.

Lexaeus came out in a full body suit. He didn't say anything.

Zexion was in his normal mood. Usually sleepy and serious. He was in his normal attire, but his hood was on.

"Why is your hood on?" Xemnas asked.

Zexion gave a yawn. "Becaauuse…my eyes haven't adjusted to the light…"

Saïx, oh, now this was funny. He had a veil over his face and every inch of his body was covered with clothes.

"I am NOT getting a tan," he grunted. "I must stay pale."

Axel was in swim trunks…and…sorry ladies, but he had a shirt on.

Larxene hugged Axel's arm. "You look hot, Axey-Waxey…"

Axel shook her off. "Larxene, NO. Very, very BAD."

Oh, it seems Larxene has changed her crush, again. First it was Xemnas, then Vexen, then Zexion, then Luxord, then Demyx, then Marluxia, then Xaldin…ah…I think she went back to Vexen after that, but I kinda lost track after the Scare of Saturday Night. Oops…I'm not allowed to mention that…

Anyway, Demyx was in swim trunks and a shirt too, but he was carrying his sitar.

"Now, before you all ask, she's my baby…I wouldn't leave her…" Demyx said, hugging the instrument.

Luxord isn't nice until noon, so no one asked why he was in his normal attire and had a bunch of books…with big words…

Marluxia had on his cloak. "I hope I find sea hibiscus! They're such beautiful flowers!"

All of us blinked. Well, that was everyone…

Oh, me?

Same as Axel.

Anyway, now for the big debate, TRANSPORTATION.

"We're warping there," Vexen said.

"Oh come on, dude!" Xigbar contradicted. "That's not totally tubular! We've got to like, go old-school and ride there in a car, man."

Some of us shot him evil looks, others, with looks of questioning.

"I have like, an old surfing bus that I have parked in Hall of Empty Melodies, 'kay? We could like, totally ride in that!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Demyx shook his head. "That's not going to work. There are thirteen people in this Organization, plus our gear. How are we all going to fit in your bus?"

"Like, dude, it's like a bus, man," Xigbar replied. "That bus can totally fit us all in there! It might be a little like, snug. But it'll be a righteous ride. That bus was like, my home sweet home, man. I would park it at a gnarly surfing spot, and I'd like, live there."

"You lived in a bus?" Luxord asked, a bit angrily. "How crude! You, sir, are an ignominy to this Organization!"

Xigbar blinked. Then gave Luxord a thumbs up. "Righteous man, man."

Luxord sighed and shook his head.

"Okay, Xigbar," Xemnas spoke up. "You have our mode of transportation. Now, how do you presume we get on the road?"

"Um…" Xigbar thought for a few seconds. "…I…dunno…"

"That's it, we're warping…" Saïx grumbled.

And so, we did. Each of us had our savings, and our gear with us.

Zexion started bouncing with anticipation for some reason. "When I get there, I'm going to buy ice cream. Loooots and loooots of ice creeeaaam…"

Oh great. Zexion's going to get hyper. Any of you read "Will You Play with Me?" That whole entire day, the only thing he had to eat was about three dozen doughnuts. The guy was INSANE. Most of that story…wasn't very true. I am NOT a newbie…sniff…sniff…

Ah, finally. We made it.

I announced that we were going to meet back here at 5.

Xigbar threw off his cloak and ran like a madman out to the water with his surfboard.

Xemnas, Luxord, and Saïx quickly retreated into the shadows.

Vexen went to go observe the waves and write equations on them.

Zexion dragged Lexaeus with him to go get ice cream.

Larxene, after kicking Xaldin in the stomach, waltz off to go get a tan.

Xaldin scanned the beach for a group of girls to stalk.

Marluxia skipped off to look for flowers.

And Demyx and Axel walked off to go try to drown each other in the water.

Oh…this is a disaster waiting to happen.

But that's what makes it fun!

I started chowing down on a pretzel as I decided what to do. I SHOULD go do whatever I want but that's not what the beach is for! No! The beach is for pushing people into the sand, dumping water on them while their trying to take a nap, and throwing shells!

**NOT FOR LOOKING AT GUYS.**

Odd, I don't remember putting that bold part there. Oh well…

I had so many people to choose from. I looked around, until I saw Vexen. A devilish grin slithered across my face. I ran down to him.

"The wavelength times its velocity is…" he stopped, because he could sense me behind him. He whipped around. "What do you want?"

"Oh…nothing…" I replied. "Just wanted to see if you are having fun…"

"Uh…yeah, sure…"

I needed to distract him. "Could you explain to me your experiment?"

That did it. Vexen's eyes it up and he turned to face the water. "Yes! Yes! Okay…so…"

That's as far as I got into what he was saying. As quietly as I could, I picked up sand and poured it into Vexen's hood. I lifted it up so he wouldn't notice the weight. Then, when it was full, I quickly put the hood over his head and ran off.

An ear piercing scream was heard, and the words, "I'll kill you, Roxas!" Rang across the beach.

I thought I was out of his range, but I was wrong. NEVER underestimate Vexen. An icy stalagmite popped out of the ground and slammed into my stomach, causing me to lose my breath. I hung there for about a minute until the stalagmite retreated into the ground. A very angry Vexen stood over me. Sand was all in his hair, on his face, most likely down his cloak, and he was spitting so it got in his mouth.

"I'm…going to kill you…"

But before he could attempt to crush my skull, a wet and sandy Xigbar tackled him to the ground. "Dogpile!"

Vexen's target changed, and now, he was chasing around Xigbar. This was my time to escape.

But I couldn't move.

I hadn't really recovered from the pain, loss of breath, and how funny that sand thing was.

Just then, three shadows crept over me.

But not very pleasant shadows.

There stood Xaldin, the perverted man in a Speedo with his arms around two women.

"I'm going to get lucky today, Roxas…" he said with a perverted grin.

I gagged. "Get out of here, nasty man!"

"What happened to you?" he asked.

"Vexen attacked me…"

"Oh, I thought it was something important. Well, see ya!" Xaldin left with his two giggling girls.

Ew…

…really ew…

It took me a bit, but I finally stood up. Only to see a hyper Zexion skipping towards me, dragging along poor, helpless Lexaeus.

"Hi, hi, hi, hi, Roxas!" Zexion squealed. "Big man and I are going to build a sand castle. Wheeeee!"  
Lexaeus sighed. "Lexaeus don't want to…"

Zexion interrupted with a fiery aura glowing around him. "Do it or **_DIE_**…"

Lexaeus gulped and went to fetch water.

"Sooo, so, so, so?" Zexion was jumping up and down. "Are you having fun?"

"Zexion…no more sugar…" I replied.

Zexion blinked, and then started crying. "Don't make me go chibi on you!"

I swiftly made my exit. If you hang around a hyper Zexion too long, it's said you go crazy and rip out your hair. Then you bleed to death. It's just a myth though. An unproven one. No one has stayed with a hyper Zexion for a long time. At least, no one who LIVED!

Anyway, I decide to go find the LURKERS. And by lurkers, I mean the ones who come to the beach but don't do anything. And when I say this, I mean Xemnas, Saïx and Luxord. Equipped with a bucket of ocean water, I found the two of the three lurkers, Xemnas and Luxord, reading behind a building. I swiftly jumped out and dumped the water all over them. For a few seconds, they just stared at me. Then the hurting began.

I'm not going into detail.

But can any of you be so kind as to lookup the dangers of having a shell implanted in your lung? I would appreciate it.

Now, after recovering from that pain, I decided I could get one more prank in before I use the rest of the day to relax. That prank was dedicated to Saïx. But where was he and what was I going to do?

Then, another devilish grin slithered across my face. I had a plan, but I needed Demyx.

I found Demyx pushing a bunch of girls into the sand and laughing at them. They pelted him with shells and chewed up gum.

"Demyx!" I shouted, gesturing him to come over.

Demyx picked out the gum from his hair and ran over. "What?"

"I have the perfect…" I stopped. "Wasn't Axel with you?"

"Yeah, but unfortunately, he got dragged off by a bunch of fangirls…"

"Did you try to stop them?"

"No…Axel owes me 100 munny."

…awkward silence…

"You let Axel be dragged away by a bunch of fangirls just because he owes you 100 munny?"

"Yeah…"

"…hm…I guess that's understandable."

"Anyway, you were saying something about a perfect…?"

"Oh yeah! I have the perfect prank on Saïx!"

Demyx looked surprised. "Really? Awesome! Usually it's kind of hard to prank him…"

I laughed. "Yeah, but _I_ am the king of blackmail, remember? Listen to this…" I opened up a book that read "Saïx's diary". "Eh-hem. Oh, how I love to be loyal to that strong, intellectual, mastermind that is the Organization's Superior. When I am praised by his deep soothing voice, my body tingles with the satisfaction that is almost similar to-

Demyx was laughing so hard that he fell to the ground. "Oh…oh god…please stop…it's too funny!"

I closed the book. This prank will be easy.

So, now for the fun part: looking for Saïx.

It took us a while, but we finally found him fanning himself, near the changing rooms.

"Saïx!" I called. "We have a bit a challenge for you!"

He blinked. "What is it?"

"You've got to go down to the beach, with your bare feet, and in the water," Demyx replied.

"No way," Saïx answered.

For some reason, Saïx was afraid of water. Boiling water to be precise. Which is basically a combination of Demyx and Axel. You know, fire makes water boil. That's probably why Saïx hates those two so much. And about the boiling water, I REALLY have no idea. Maybe someone poured boiling water on him when he was little.

Anyway…

"Oh really?" I asked. "Well then…" I cleared my throat and began reading his diary again. "Oh, how I worship those shimmering, silver locks that sprout from his head. Xemnas's eyes are like pools of lava, burning with a passion that I wish he would release onto me…" That's as far as I got before I burst out laughing.

Demyx was using me for support as he choking on laughter. The flush in Saïx's cheeks were either from embarrassment or sheer anger. I think it was both.

"Where did you get that?" he hissed. "How dare you snoop in my room!"

"Don't worry, I have copies of this. Do the dare, Saïx, or else this goes on the internet," I said with a grin.

"And, to Xemnas," Demyx added.

Saïx thought for a few seconds and then nodded hesitantly. "Fine. I'll do it."

So it was set. While Saïx slowly made his way to the ocean, Demyx and I kept reading his diary.

Saïx is REALLY creepy…

Anyway, then while the victim was stepping into the salty water, Demyx whipped out his sitar and strummed a few notes.

Suddenly, a giant wave rose from the water and towered over Saïx. He gave a high pitched scream and cursed our names, then, the monstrous wave fell on him. And then, after a few seconds, the wave spit him back out.

He landed in the sand beside us. In a complete daze. We used this time to roll up his sleeves so that we could expose his body to the sun. Then, we waked back up to land and got some watermelon.

After about an hour or so, the beast awoken.

In full rage.

Once we saw him coming, that was the last thing we did see before the two of us got a Claymore in the face.

The two of us got knocked out. I don't know how long, but I know that when I woke up, all of the other members where staring at us.

So were a bunch of other people.

At first I had no idea why, but then I realized.

Demyx was on top on me.

And we were in the middle of a parking lot.

I threw Demyx off and jumped up. "Hey! Hey, guys! What's going on?"

Some on them glared mumbling things on how they're going to kill me, some of them, just gave me a puzzled look.

"It's time to go," Xemnas broke the awkward silence. "Get your things and let's go."

I knew I was going to feel this pain when I wake up. Same with sunburn, scars, and the sting of salt in your scars.

I'm sure everyone else going to feel something too.

Though, later, once we all finally got back to our home semi or not at all sweet home, we all discussed what we did.

Xemnas read, all day. No movement. Except for when he got hungry and thrashing me.

Xigbar spent the whole day surfing, as he claimed. But, faintly, there were some hand marks all over his cheeks. I think he got rejected. A lot. Or those could be marks from when Vexen thrashed him.

Xaldin…ew…you know what? I'm not even going to say it. Xemnas punted him out of the room when he explained his day. Uggh…

Vexen at first, did experiments on the waves, sand, and anything else he could find. Then, he thrashed me and Xigbar, and attempted to get all of the sand off of him.

Lexaeus ended up having to baby-sit a hyper Zexion. Wow, and he's not dead. Myth busted!

Zexion…was hyper. End of story.

Saïx tried to avoid the sun as much as he could. Then thrashed me and Demyx.

Axel told us a horrifying story about fangirls and their evil ways. Saying things like perverted Fanart, AkuRoku, which I did not understand nor did anyone else, and slash. No one believed him though.

Demyx spent the whole day pranking people. Just like I did.

Luxord read, and then confused people with his big words. He thought it was funny.

Marluxia was scratching himself because he found poison oak. Then, he claimed he has gone into a plant withdrawal and won't speak until the itching stops. He went silent as soon as he said that.

Larxene claimed she was carried off by a bunch of guys and then her hero Axel saved her. We didn't believe her either.

Then, I told everyone about my day. Some laughed, some threw things at me. But, then I looked forward to sleep as I climbed into bed…

**The Next Day…**

I awoke with a jolt as I was pushed out of my bed and onto the ground.

Ow.

I had bruises all over me.

And sunburn.

When I looked up I saw that everyone had the same problem, and more.

Xigbar had sore muscles. He could hardly move.

Xaldin…gah…I'm not going there…

Zexion had a sugar hangover, and he was sick to his stomach.

Saïx was aching too from when he got boiled.

Axel said he was so tired because every time he went to sleep, he'd get a nightmare about the fangirls.

Demyx had bruises.

And Marluxia was still scratching.

"This is all **YOUR FAULT**!" All of them but Marluxia yelled.

Then, I was attacked.

There is a morale here, but it's not black mailing, oh no. It's something MUCH different.

The Morale?

**DON'T go to the beach.**


End file.
